Surviving the horrors of apartment hunting in NYC is like staying alive and mentally sane in post-war Baghdad. As our apartment-hunting is coming to an end, here is my jungle book of observations, anecdotes and lessons learned about the NYC rental market.
Building: what the building looks like, not the apartment itself, is what renters in NYC really care about. This is proved by the fact that the majority of rental ads give a full description of the building before disclosing any information about the flat. So one day a broker (who?) called me in response to an email (which one out of the 100 I sent?) I sent him the day before when I was searching through tons of web listings: “Hi, this is Robert. I’m calling you in response to your email. It’s about the apartment in the building with a pool”. Hmmm… Can I buy a vowel??
Listings: Although the transition from paper to reality leaves you with a maddeningly frustrating bunch of inaccurate information to stomach, I have to admit that property descriptions provided by brokers can be very creative, to use an euphemism. The best I saw was: “the apartment features XYZ… and a great foyer where you can greet your guests.” Of course everyone can see the immense added value of a “great foyer” and I had wild dreams about welcoming my guests: “hi, thanks for coming, please don’t walk straight into the living room, let’s have some fun in my great foyer first”.
Stingy landlords: in my opinion a stingy landlord is to be avoided like the bubonic plague. They can be found anywhere in the world, but here for the first time I heard a landlord asking -while we were negotiating the lease- if she and her husband could use the apartment for three weeks a year because they come from Colorado and hotel accommodation in Manhattan tend to be very expensive. Jaw dropping, restraining the urge to curse loudly, we diplomatically commented: “We have to admit that it is quite an unusual request, Madam” although my gut reaction was: “And would you like fries with that?”.
Guarantor: holding a diplomatic visa like we do only exacerbates the nightmare. Many landlords in NY do not accept diplomats. It’s not unusual to read in a listing “no dogs, no diplomats”, how flattering! Landlords that do accept diplomats sometimes ask for a guarantor, a person who is legally obligated to pay the rent in case the tenant is unable to. Whereas in Europe a guarantor can be anyone with a good credit history, in NY we ended up being asked for a guarantor who earns 87 times the monthly rent, adding up to the magic figure of half a million USD. When we made the calculation, my husband and I looked at each other in amazement: “Did you happen to hear from your buddy Bill Gates lately?” “Nope” “Any chance mayor Bloomberg would lend a helping hand?” “Not sure” “All right, NEXT!”
Brokers: this issue would deserve its own jungle book. The majority of brokers are not just better than used car salesmen. I won’t go into too much detail, hoping that my previous post gives a sense of the scale of the problem. However there are also nice and honest people. My favourite broker is L., originally from Puerto Rico, born in Queens and living in Long Island… I swear this man was meant to be a comedian instead! To end on a positive note, my best memories about my apartment hunting is driving around town with him mumbling his mantra “This city is shit, man! This city is filthy! With that money, you could rent a villa in Long Island and hire a full time chauffer to drive you to the city any f&#*ing time you want!”
And whoever thought apartment hunting was fun is in my humble opinion truly insane...
Building: what the building looks like, not the apartment itself, is what renters in NYC really care about. This is proved by the fact that the majority of rental ads give a full description of the building before disclosing any information about the flat. So one day a broker (who?) called me in response to an email (which one out of the 100 I sent?) I sent him the day before when I was searching through tons of web listings: “Hi, this is Robert. I’m calling you in response to your email. It’s about the apartment in the building with a pool”. Hmmm… Can I buy a vowel??
Listings: Although the transition from paper to reality leaves you with a maddeningly frustrating bunch of inaccurate information to stomach, I have to admit that property descriptions provided by brokers can be very creative, to use an euphemism. The best I saw was: “the apartment features XYZ… and a great foyer where you can greet your guests.” Of course everyone can see the immense added value of a “great foyer” and I had wild dreams about welcoming my guests: “hi, thanks for coming, please don’t walk straight into the living room, let’s have some fun in my great foyer first”.
Stingy landlords: in my opinion a stingy landlord is to be avoided like the bubonic plague. They can be found anywhere in the world, but here for the first time I heard a landlord asking -while we were negotiating the lease- if she and her husband could use the apartment for three weeks a year because they come from Colorado and hotel accommodation in Manhattan tend to be very expensive. Jaw dropping, restraining the urge to curse loudly, we diplomatically commented: “We have to admit that it is quite an unusual request, Madam” although my gut reaction was: “And would you like fries with that?”.
Guarantor: holding a diplomatic visa like we do only exacerbates the nightmare. Many landlords in NY do not accept diplomats. It’s not unusual to read in a listing “no dogs, no diplomats”, how flattering! Landlords that do accept diplomats sometimes ask for a guarantor, a person who is legally obligated to pay the rent in case the tenant is unable to. Whereas in Europe a guarantor can be anyone with a good credit history, in NY we ended up being asked for a guarantor who earns 87 times the monthly rent, adding up to the magic figure of half a million USD. When we made the calculation, my husband and I looked at each other in amazement: “Did you happen to hear from your buddy Bill Gates lately?” “Nope” “Any chance mayor Bloomberg would lend a helping hand?” “Not sure” “All right, NEXT!”
Brokers: this issue would deserve its own jungle book. The majority of brokers are not just better than used car salesmen. I won’t go into too much detail, hoping that my previous post gives a sense of the scale of the problem. However there are also nice and honest people. My favourite broker is L., originally from Puerto Rico, born in Queens and living in Long Island… I swear this man was meant to be a comedian instead! To end on a positive note, my best memories about my apartment hunting is driving around town with him mumbling his mantra “This city is shit, man! This city is filthy! With that money, you could rent a villa in Long Island and hire a full time chauffer to drive you to the city any f&#*ing time you want!”
And whoever thought apartment hunting was fun is in my humble opinion truly insane...
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2 comments:
You would not have that nightmare apt. hunting in California. You could find a really nice house for the kind of rent you pay for a NYC apt. Of course L.A. has it's own nightmare...the city is so spread out and the TRAFFIC! But, wish you were here in L.A instead of N.Y.C.
Diana
Damn!!! Gotta undo my suitcase and postpone departure: I thought u had already found a place where we could sleep while visiting NY... :-)))))
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